Banishment
by Animeyurilover999
Summary: My personal interpretation of the thoughts stirring around in Asuka's mind in episode 24. As such, it may be safe to consider this an AU.


How long had it been since Asuka had fled from both NERV and all of the people she knew? She was honestly unable to tell; every day since the last Angel incident had become a blur. She wasn't given the opportunity to even see the battle to the end before being lowered back into headquarters. Misato, Ikari… they all saw her as useless; no longer able to fight. What good was the Evangelion if she couldn't even pilot it? Its purpose was to obey her commands, wasn't it? That's what it was built to do. So then why didn't it move? Why did it no longer accept her? Why did it have the ability to ignore her in the first place?

So many questions that she would most likely never receive the answers to, though none of it really mattered anymore. She had no intention of going back. There were no understanding faces. She had nowhere to call home; nowhere she felt comfortable. The only place she had once considered her safe haven no longer accepted her. She wasn't a true priority to NERV and had never really been; all the attention had been given to the idiot and that _damned doll_. What was it about that emotionless girl that had attracted so much attention from Ikari? He favored her over his own son, though Asuka never showed any sympathy to the boy. He didn't deserve any.

Shinji hardly looked her way. It was always about gaining praise from Misato, his father… from anyone aside from herself. Her words didn't matter. They never mattered. All she ever had was her Eva. That piece of junk was her only source of happiness; whether it was sincere or only a temporary escape was irrelevant. Fighting in that robot and showing off her potential as a pilot was her reason for being. It made her feel alive. It helped to ground her to reality.

Was she insane for feeling that way; for gaining such immense pleasure from spilling blood? Was it acceptable to smile at her work? Though the Angels were their enemy, Asuka never really considered them as such. She viewed them as little more than opportunities for others to potentially stare at her display of abilities in awe. She wanted them to never again underestimate her skills and instead accept how valuable she was on the battlefield.

...Why had it fallen apart? Along with losing the ability to pilot she had in turn lost her source of happiness, her self-confidence, her pride, and her world. She was alone. The wrecked house she had claimed and the lack of anyone by her side was all the proof she needed. She wasn't sure if she would ever regain the will to see them again. How could she face them in her current state? What could she even say to them? That she was sorry, that she would continue trying until it killed her? That she appreciated their presence? All they were good for was boosting her pride. If they no longer valued her skills and efforts, then they didn't deserve her. Especially not when she was so weakened.

...Weak. That was one word the girl had never even considered to describe herself. Proud? Yes. Skillful? Yes. But weak…?

...What had become of her? Why did her fate have to be so cruel? What did she do to deserve this? Where was the blood coming from? She didn't know. She didn't know anything. She didn't _want_ to know anything. This never should have happened, and it never would have happened if it weren't for those around her.

Yes, that was it. It was the damn emotionless puppet's fault. It was that idiot's fault. It was the fault of Misato, Ikari, Ritsuko… everyone. She would have been just fine without them. She didn't need their assistance in combat. She was capable of handling the Angels just fine on her own. Damn Misato for encouraging her and Shinji to take out the enemy together. Damn the doll for straying attention away from her. Damn the others for not recognizing her skills.

Damn Shinji for not being hers.

Why did he have to look at Rei that way? Why did she smile at him? And most of all… why did he smile back?

Why wasn't she enough? What did she lack? Why was it stirring so many emotions inside of her?

She was an idiot. She had to be. She was no better than Shinji. After all, she had ran away, didn't she? And after the many times she had called him a coward…

There was no way in hell she could face him now.

There was no way she could do anything.


End file.
